Best Vibrator for Orgasm- These Are the Most Powerful and Orgasm-Inducing Vibes For Women

best vibrator for orgasm

Last Updated on by Chris Thompson

I’m a firm believer that every woman should own a good vibrator. There appears to be a stigma that vaginal vibrators are only for “dirty” girls or women that are utterly alone. A common belief is that if a woman is in a happy, healthy relationship there is absolutely no need for her to want a vibrator.

Some men feel intimidated by vibrators or feel its an insult to their manhood if their lady enjoys a good vibrator from time to time. Society has created this taboo around any form of sexual play that doesn’t involve missionary style love-making. If discussing anal beads, doggy-style, blow-jobs, eating pussy or maybe some kinky spanking action makes you blush – this article is meant for you.

Built into a woman’s body is an amazingly intricate system of sensitive sexual organs. Women tend to overlook the fact that their body reacts to sexual stimulation much the same way as men do. Men can’t hide their sexual arousal (hello boner!), but women sometimes don’t notice or feel the effects of arousal, causing them to feel that their bodies don’t crave sex the same way men do.


At the time of arousal a woman’s eyes dilate, her vagina begins to open up and produce moisture, and her clitoris and labia swell up in preparation for intercourse.

The most sensitive body part a woman has, sexually, is her clitoris. It is intended to be stimulated during sex and aids in bringing a woman to orgasm. It’s definitely not just there for decorative purposes. Unfortunately, a lot of women don’t take the time to get to know their sexual body parts and neglect their needs for clitoral stimulation.

This is where a vibrator comes in. Originally, the best vibrators for women were created by doctors in the Victorian era to treat women for “hysteria”. The point was to bring the woman to orgasm so that her hysteria would disappear. There was no sexual association with this behavior and it was thought to be solely for medical purposes.

Eventually, though, the vibrating sex toys made their way into pornography and households as women discovered their sexual benefits. In fact, the vibrator was the 5th appliance to be electrified by Hamilton Beach in 1902. So, the fact that vibrators carry a stigma today, more than 100 years later, is baffling to me. A vacuum cleaner is a newer concept than a vibrator!

Vibrators are Good for Female Orgasm

Vibrators allow a woman to, quickly, come to orgasm whether with her partner or not.

Don’t think of vibrators as a toy you need to hide from your partner. Invite your partner to use it on you and if you’re a partner reading this, don’t feel that the vibrator will replace you.

Having sex and using a vibrator are infinitely different. Nothing can compare to the feeling of a hot body pressed up against you, rubbing on you, breathing on you, moving in synch with you and conjoining with you. Nothing will ever replace you.

The best vibrators for orgasm simply provide another tool to enjoy lovemaking. Men masturbate by using lubrication and their hand or using a fleshlight, which is the male’s version of a vibrator. So, women should have a tool for enjoying masturbation as well.

It is difficult for a woman to get herself off with her hands alone… we aren’t built with as easy of access to our sexual organs as a male is…so please, I beg of you, don’t view the best vibrators for women as dirty. View them as another outlet for orgasm. Secondary to sex, not replacing it.

Here is a quote from WebMD:

In general, the medical community considers masturbation to be a natural and harmless expression of sexuality for both men and women. It does not cause any physical injury or harm to the body, and can be performed in moderation throughout a person’s lifetime as a part of normal sexual behavior. Some cultures and religions oppose the use of masturbation or even label it as sinful. This can lead to guilt or shame about the behavior.

Some experts suggest that masturbation can actually improve sexual health and relationships. By exploring your own body through masturbation, you can determine what is erotically pleasing to you and can share this with your partner. Some partners use mutual masturbation to discover techniques for a more satisfying sexual relationship and to add to their mutual intimacy.

The best vibrators have been helping women get off for a long time, dildos and dongs for even longer. Why the old ways are still good ways.

One of the more primal urges related to female masturbation is the urge to be penetrated. Arguably, the first sex toys ever “used” were smooth oblong shapes with which a woman could comfortably penetrate the vagina.

This seems to make some sense despite the fact that women generally require some stimulation of the clitoris to achieve the maximum heights of self-pleasure.

Sex toy designers in modern times have created literally hundreds of different shapes and devices for vaginal penetration. These penetration sex toys are known as dildos and dongs, and vibrators.

Best Vibrators for Women- Detailed Reviews

1. Lelo Siri 2 – Best Small Vibrator

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  • Toy:  Lelo Siri 2
  • Type: Vibrator, outtie, rechargeable, phthalate-free
  • Manufacturer: Lelo
  • Material: Plastic and high-quality silicone
  • Price: $149-$159
The vibrator section of the Siri is made from smooth phthalate-free silicone, which is very soft and disperses the vibrations from the internal motor very evenly throughout the toy. The silicone is pretty firm and doesn’t have much give in it which is perfect for clitoral stimulation.

Pocket-sized, powerful and very seductive, you’ll want to tuck the Siri 2 into your bag for fun on the run or as your new best friend.  I’m a fan of small, comfortable and portable outtie vibrators and this one has a delightful buzz along with a myriad of patterns that are perfect for any mood.  Plus, if she (or you) can reach some fingers against the clit, then you can easily add vibration with this perfectly sized toy.

Lelo Siri 2 sings you a quiet song of pleasure

The Lelo Siri 2 is made from hard plastic, with a tip made from high-quality silicone.  it is  3 3/4 inches by 1 and 3/4 inches, has rechargeable internal batteries, lighted indicators for low power warning and recharging, and can run for  90 minutes running time on full power for one charge.

Additionally, it can be locked (to prevent it from turning on accidentally during travel).  Finally, it has independent power and pattern controls, letting you choose from a variety of interesting feelings without having to change the level of vibration.

The Siri 2 is not waterproof, but cleans easily with a damp soapy cloth; just make sure to avoid water contact with the buttons and recharging port. It is also comfortable and very easy to use for those who are new to vibrators.

Even on the highest of its very powerful vibration levels, the Siri 2 is quiet. The unique button controls allow complete access to all the different vibrations patterns along with all the different strengths of vibration for ultimate control of your sensual experience in reaching the level of satisfaction you desire. It is becoming famous, in part, because it one of the pattern settings causes it to sing a very quiet little song during your session that romances you along the way.

For such a quiet toy, however, the Siri is surprisingly powerful, meaning it will be just as lovely and pleasurable for those who require a slightly stronger touch.

This premium plastic and silicone Siri vibe is made for outtie (clitoris and vulva) stimulation. It has a variety of intensities and patterns, lots of power and control and is sure to be one of your new best friends.

2. LELO GIGI 2 Rechargeable G-Spot Vibrator

gspot vibrator

Lelo is undoubtedly one of the best vibrator manufacturers in the world. Their designed and innovative and their end-products are crafted with superior skill.

The Gigi 2 is one of my personal favorite Lelo vibrators and it is the best G-Spot vibrator I have ever used, period. The unique, flat head design allows you to rest the top of the vibrator on your G-Spot and massage with minimum effort.

The extremely soft silicone is luxurious to touch and feels like you are massaging your G-Spot with a fluffy cloud.

Like most European vibrators, Lelo has extremely powerful motors. In fact, many women may find the motors too powerful at first.

The Gigi 2 is on the higher price range of vibrators, however, it is not too expensive. If you shop around like me, you’ll pay less than $150.00, which may sound expensive but is ridiculously cheap for the quality.

All Lelo vibrators come with a stupidly good one year warranty and 10-year quality guarantee. To be honest, I’m not sure what exactly a quality guarantee is, but I like it! The vibrator comes with eight modes of vibration and is 100% waterproof.

3. Lelo Soraya– Strongest Vibrator for Women

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The LELO Soraya is a rabbit style vibrator in LELOs semi-new Insignia line. I know that I overuse the word luxurious, but that’s really the only way to describe the look of this toy aside from high end and so expensive looking that you’d need to sell your soul to get a hold of it.Best Vibrator for Orgasm- These Are the Most Powerful and Orgasm-Inducing Vibes For Women 1

My Soraya is hot pink and gold. At first, I mistook the gold plates on the side for metal but they are just metallic plastic. Soraya’s body features an ABS core wrapped in a smooth silicone; this makes it quite rigid with no give. The actual clitoral stimulator is semi-flexible so that you can adjust it a little to the right position. Unlike most rabbits, the actual stimulator is just an oblong bulb and not a funny animal shape in an attempt to be cute; which I can appreciate.

With two motors you can use the shaft and clitoral stimulator independently, together, or simply enjoy the combination of the two with patterned vibrations.  LELO doesn’t describe or tell you about the patterns so here’s my best description:

  • Steady vibrations in both the shaft and clitoral stimulator
  • Steady vibrations in just the clitoral stimulator
  • Steady vibrations in just the shaft
  • Alternating/Back and forth pulse vibration between the shaft and clitoral stimulator
  • Both the clitoral stimulator and shaft pulsate at the same time
  • Escalating wave between the clitoral stimulator that moves to the shaft.
  • Escalating wave between the clitoral stimulator and shaft that has some sort of pulse in it
  • LELO’s song – some kind of chaos type that pulses, vibrates, and erratic switches between the clitoral stimulator and shaft. It seriously sounds like a song. The video below is for the LELO Siri which has the same song.

Now for a rechargeable vibrator I found that the vibrations on the Soraya were pretty damn strong. Sure they are not Hitachi strong, but they are the strongest I’ve felt in a while for a vibrator. Enough that they conquered my clit-o-steel.

Really I’m at a loss of what to compare their strength with, but I can tell you that unlike some of my other toys their strength kept the same rumbly feeling instead of moving to a buzzy numb vibration. I found that the clitoral stimulator seemed to be stronger in terms of strength than the shaft as well.

Complaint wise I only have a few issues with this toy.

Number one: The clitoral stimulator doesn’t provide a lot of pressure. While flexibility is nice I would have liked a bit more rigidness so that I didn’t have to push myself into it.

Number two: It is a bitch to clean. You would think that not only being made of silicone and plastic AND being waterproof this would be easy. However, the plastic plates that give this a beautiful design have a tiny gap between their edge and the start of the silicone making it a hoarder of gunk and a perfect breeding ground for bacteria. I like my toys to be squeaky clean so I used a flat headed toothpick to get in and out of the crannies, but I shouldn’t have had to resort to such measures.

Two complaints about a whole toy? Not too bad. This is one LELO product that I would suggest paying the price tag on if you want a rabbit style vibrator. It’s modern looking, waterproof, rechargeable, quiet even at its highest settings and strong enough to get you off. What more could you ask for?

Best Vibrator for Orgasm- These Are the Most Powerful and Orgasm-Inducing Vibes For Women 2

If you’re confused on how it can be rechargeable AND waterproof there is a little silicone ‘door’ where you shove the charger into. When you take it out it closes again. Simple and easy.

4. We-Vibe Sync Remote and App Control Rechargeable Couple’s Vibrator

The past vibrators from We-Vibe were ugly and just plain disgusting. No one could have anticipated the game-changing We-Vibe range, except the people that invented the we-vibe.

The first couple of versions of this revolutionary couples’ vibrator were pretty poop. They were clunky and just didn’t make you cum as hard as they should. It took them a couple of revisions, but finally, we-vibe got the formula right.

After the We-Vibe 4, the game had been changed and soon after, the We-Vibe Sync sent shocks through everyone that owned a vibrator, “why didn’t I want and get this instead,” they cried.

The We-Vibe 4 Plus is the world’s first vibrator to come with a smart phone application. This may sound stupid but its actually the best thing that has ever happened to my vagina, oh and my relationship too I guess.

The smart phone application can control the vibrator from anywhere in the world, as long as you have a WiFi connection. The application also allows you to program your own pattern of vibration so you can create one that is best for you and save it for later.

2. Lelo Elise 2

The LELO Elise 2 has been on my wishlist for a few years. When it first crossed my “gotta have it” radar it was because of the sleek and modern design that not many vibrators had. It was eye-catching and somewhat unique. Nowadays there are many more vibrators that appear with the same simplistic modern look that I enjoy but rarely do they boast that they have dual motors as the Elise does. Which is why it stayed on my wishlist.

Dual motors?! What are you talking about?!  What could this mean? It’s quite simple; there are two independent motors that run the Elise. One is at the base and the other at the tip and you have the ability to switch from one to the other to focus the attention of vibrations where you want them the most. Not very many vibrators feature this option so it’s pretty nifty.

Vibrations, vibrations, vibrations; the subject which you are more than likely interested in the most. The LELO Elise does not disappoint. The steady vibrations start out as a deep rumble and gradually move to a  buzzy vibration that tingles my nose in five steps. They are not the strongest vibrations in the world. I asked Maverick how he’d describe them and he said, “mild” and compared them to a little stronger than PS3 controller’s vibration.

In addition to the steady vibrations the LELO Elise also has four vibrational patterns. You control these patterns by using the up and down arrow buttons on the handle. I almost typed controller as it reminds me of a SEGA Genesis d-pad. Anyways, the patterns are as follows:
Best Vibrator for Orgasm- These Are the Most Powerful and Orgasm-Inducing Vibes For Women 3

  1. Tip motor only
  2. Base motor only
  3. Both motors in short alternating pulses
  4. Both motors longer alternating pulses

Personally, my favorite is #5, which is just having both motors going at the same time in a steady vibration. I don’t count it as a pattern because most vibrators start off with that steady vibration or that is the only option they come with. Nothing new or spectacular.

The addition of a second motor doesn’t make much of a difference to me. Most noticeably, the handle vibrates when the lower motor is on and this is numbing to my hands. The vibrations from the motor at the tip seem weak in comparison to the vibrations from the lower motor.

Elise is made of silky soft silicone and plastic. The silicone is just velvety feeling and quite smooth. I experienced no ‘drag’ effect when using the Elise like I have with other silicone toys. The shaft is completely hard with no give and is slightly curved. Some say it’s to help stimulate your g-spot but I say MEH! The LELO Elise is NOT designed for that. The curve is nice because it just allows a natural flow to most female anatomy rather than being a straight ramming rod.

As far as things go the LELO Elise was not enough to get me off. In fact I found myself becoming frustrated because the vibrations just were not strong enough for me and I’m not a patient person. However I should note that I’m not too sensitive to vibrations (especially internally) so that more than likely plays a large role.

  • Switch between two motors
  • Modern & simplistic looking
  • Quiet even on high settings
  • Rechargeable
  • Travel Lock by pressing the middle of d-pad for 5 seconds
  • One Year Warranty (Receipt required)
  • Mild Vibrations
  • Hand numbing.
  • Splash-proof only
  • High price tag despite average performance

I do not suggest this for someone who has trouble with your average vibrators vibration strength because it will perform the same despite the larger price tag. I’d recommend one but I’m still on the search for one for internal vibrations myself.


5. Clone-A-Willy Vibrator

The Clone-A-Willy vibrator allows you to make a clone of any available penis. The kit comes with everything you need to make the clone, including a vibrating bullet that slides into the wet moult and turns the whole package into a vibrator.

The kit is extremely easy to use, and the vibrator will be ready in just a couple of hours.

The Clone-A-Willy kit is extremely popular among women who have partners that work away. The kit allows him to clone his penis so his partner can use it any time.

What’s more, the Clone-A-Willy vibrator is extremely fun to make and even more fun to use. It is the perfect gift for the woman that has it all. The simple five step process included some extremely fun parts, like putting his willy in the wet moulding plaster. The vibrator is completely safe to use to massage your vagina when its left to completely dry.

4.  Dorcel Luxury Collection Too Much

Is ‘Too Much’ pleasure possible? I’ve experienced what would come close to being too much pleasure, but just like you cannot reach the speed of light, you theoretically cannot reach that point where you experience too much pleasure.

However, to get close, you must use the Too Much vibrator from the Dorcel luxury Collection. This appropriately named vibrator is one of the best G-Spot vibrators available.

Too Much has been designed and manufactured by Marc Dorcel, one of the world’s leading pornography directors. Its obvious by its range of sex toys that he knows the female body better than most females.

Too Much is the best selling vibrator in the collection and its easy to see why women love it so much. The slight curve of the shaft is complimented by the waves of texture that massage your G-Spot with pure-perfection.

The ultra powerful motor is a thrilling addition to the already perfectly shaped vibrator. I picked mine up for less than $50 and would have paid much more than that for what I now realize is one of the best G-Spot orgasms a sex toy can provide. Read my guide about the Best G Spot Vibrators Here.

3. Lovehoney Sqweel 2 Oral Sex Simulator

The Squeel is ultimately one of the world’s most famous sex toys, at least it is in the United States. Made famous by LoveHoney’s 2010 sex toy design competition, the Sqweel has enjoyed the title of the ‘World’s Best-Selling Oral Sex Toy’.

In 2011 the oral sex simulator gained its world-wide fame with an AVN Awards nomination. Sqweel has since been re-born with the release of the Sqweel 2, a major improvement on the original version.

The Sqweel 2 has 10 tongues that are rotated around and when contact with the vagina is made, the tongues simulate oral sex.

With plenty of lubrication, the user will experience intense orgasms that she would usually feel from oral sex. The Sqweel 2 comes in two different colors, black and white and has several different modes of rotation.

I hope you have enjoyed my list of best vibrators and enjoy using them even more. If you have any questions or recommendation, please let me know in the comment section below.

However, before I sign off, what about we go over what you should consider when shopping for a vibrator. In the next section, I present the best vibrators for women buying guide.

How to Choose Your First Vibrator for Orgasm

Vibrators for women are the most popular adult toy and this is the item most people think of when they think of sex toys. There are many choices today and we will do our best to enlighten you about the different types available.

Take good care of your vibrator and it should last a good while! Don’t expect miracles, though! They ARE novelties and most are made out of the U.S.

Talking About Batteries

Make sure the batteries are inserted correctly. Check the battery contacts and look to see whether they are shiny or corroded. Just because a battery or vibrator is new, doesn’t mean that there won’t be some corrosion present. This corrosion will prevent a good contact and make your pleasurable vibrations troublesome!

Use a good quality battery and remove it if your vibrator or other sex toy isn’t going to be used for awhile. It’s a good idea to stock a few extra batteries so you don’t get caught short just when you want to use your toy the most!

Multi-Speed versus Single-Speed Vibrations

Although most vibrators today are multi-speed models, you can still find single speed in the lower priced models. If you are particular about what speed you like, whether it is soft or more aggressive, be sure to purchase and use a multi-speed model of vibrator. You may want a more gentle speed in the beginning and a more vigorous vibration as you get closer to orgasm.

Classic Vibrators

Vibrators with the classic shape are still extremely popular with our customers. These are usually made of plastic or metal, but can also be made of silicone or other type of material.

The classic vibrator also comes in many different sizes. We would recommend a beginner stay with the normal sized vibe, such as the 6  or 7 inch models. In addition, to the regular plastic and metal vibes, there are also waterproof vibes with the classic shape.

These have become more and more popular. These are made waterproof, usually by using a waterproof seal in the battery opening. Make sure this seal is in place before using your “waterproof” vibrator in the water!

Specialty Vibrators
You can purchase a vibrator with just about any animal shape, from a Teddy Bear to a Koala, or from a Panther to a Butterfly! All of these fun vibes are made of a softer material, such as Soft Touch or Cyberskin. Either one of these materials are VERY comfortable, giving the user a wonderful, sensuous experience. They are easily washable. We would suggest the Foreplay Toy Cleaner in our Lube area. This will ensure cleanliness and safety for your toys.

Let us repeat the mantra, do not share your vibrators with others and do not use your vaginal vibrators as anal vibrators!

Egg-Shaped Vibrators

The egg-shaped vibrators are wonderful for using on the clitoris or anus. They are usually multi-speed and are attached to a battery pack with a long cord.

Shapes of these vibrating bullets and beads include the traditional egg-shape, bunnies, bears, dolphins and other exotic creatures. What we especially like about these small vibrators is their changeable speeds – you can get a spectacular orgasm from adjusting the speed and location of these fun toys!

G-Spot Vibrators

Women have just recently discovered the enjoyment of stimulating their G-spot with a specially curved vibrator. The G-spot is a cushion of tissue wrapped around the urethra. Your urethral sponge may be stimulated through the front wall of your vagina in the same that a man’s prostrate gland can be stimulated through the front wall of his anus.

Every woman has this urethral sponge, but not all have the same enjoyable response to its stimulation. We encourage you to explore your G-spot and find out if this is for you.

Vibrating Clitoral Stimulators

The butterfly vibes are small vibrators that rest close to a woman’s clitoris, usually by a harness type strap or inside a pair of panties. These small stimulators are quiet and private while being used.

You can find them in a variety of cute creatures! We highly recommend these to our customers! Do your housework while wearing one for an extra special kick!

Anal Vibrators

A vibrating butt plug can enhance and titillate the many nerve endings of your anus and is a fabulous way to enhance anal penetration. Feel free to use a regular vibrator for anal stimulation, but purchase one long enough that you can still hold onto it and not “lose it”. Many regular vibrators include sleeves and/or attachments for anal use.

It is critical that you use a lubricant while using any anal toy. The anal canal does not produce lubrication like the vagina does. You would be rewarded with a very unpleasant experience if you did not use some anal lube!

Todays Vibrators

The modern vibrator comes in two main formats, battery powered and AC electrical powered.

The most common and popular choice for most of us is a battery powered vibrator. We love them because of their compactness, ease of use, and inexpensiveness.

Like the best dildos a vibrator can come in a variety of shapes and forms, but most are based on the simple phallus and are about 6-8 inches long, 1-2 inches in diameter and made of a plastic or rubber.

Contained within the vibrator shaft is small vibrating motor that can be dialed into a comfortable rate of vibration using the knob/dial on the handling end of the vibrator.

This knob or dial is also usually where the batteries are inserted, and where a waterproof vibrator will have a specially designed sealed cap and a gasket to keep water out of the battery/shaft/motor area.

Battery powered vibrators

Most battery powered vibrators use 2aa batteries, but some use the more powerful ‘C’ cells to power a stronger vibrator motor.

I recommend a waterproof vibrator as a versatile and inexpensive sex toy that can be enjoyed by women for masturbating or during intercourse. You can buy most waterproof vibrators for under $20 US (or $30 CDN).

Rechargeable battery vibrators

In recent years several varieties of vibrator have evolved which use additional motors that can pulsate, rotate, or manipulate the clitoris…all while vibrating like a normal vibrator.

These models use up more battery “juice” so you’ll want rechargeable batteries to go with them.

These technically advanced rabbit vibrator toys and stimulators use 4 batteries in place of 2, so as to provide the current necessary for the different motors.

Electrical vibrators

Electrical vibrators take advantage of a stronger power source (a wall outlet in your home) to incorporate such features as up and down oscillations, as well as the normal vibration.

High-tech battery powered vibrators can do this too.

However, you must be careful not to get an electrical vibrator near a water source.

The powerful and high quality vibrator motors in an electrical vibrator can provide for a fantastic masturbatory experience.

Electrical vibrators are made of fairly solid heavier parts that wear longer, and the price of upwards of $80 US reflects this.

Dildo vs Vibrator?

Whatever kind of vibrator or dildo sex toy you choose for yourself should be based on what you want to use it for and how much you want to spend.

Vibrators are by far the most common sex toys. They are are what people generally think of when their mind thinks of a sex toys, mainly because of the great pleasure they give for their relatively low cost.

There are two basic forms of vibrators: toys that have their power source (batteries) on the inside and toys that have an external power supply usually a battery pack connected by a small cord.

Usually internal power supplied vibrators have just one speed whilst external power supplied vibrators often can provide multiple speeds. The amount of vibration is similar so it comes down to personal choice.

Insertable Vibrators

These are shaped like a penis and are by far the most popular choice with most. Many closely remebale a male penis and other look nothing like a penis.

As with most toys come in all colors, shapes and sizes.
A Popular insertable vibrator
Jack Rabbit Dual control, multi-speed vibrator. Featuring beads in the shaft that rotate as the rabbit ears vibrate.

Clitoral Vibrators

These vibrators are specifically designed to be used on the clitoris, almost and vibrator can be used on this are but these toys will give the most pleasure.

Thes deliver focused vibrations at varying speeds and intensities. You get a VERY precise level of stimulation from these little toys and they come highly recommended.

Butterfly Vibrators

Designed to resemble a pair of panties, the butterfly vibrator is a small, vibrator held close to a woman’s clitoris for an intense, pleasure. Generally the motor is inside the shape of a small animal i.e. butterfly shape is very common.

These toys produce an incredibly strong vibration. If that’s what you like then these toys will be for you!

Mind the Footprint

Just in case you haven’t heard, Green is the new black of sex toys.

Yes, it is now possible to achieve sexual satisfaction and take socially responsible actions to protect the planet. You can engage in eco-friendly playtime with seaweed-based dildos, phthalate-free vibes, vegan condoms, and hand-carved wooden sex toys (with organic varnish, naturally). When you’re ready to make the switch, there are even vibrating recycling centers that will dispose of your worn-out rabbits and plastic penis pollutants safely. My imagination runs wild at the thought of this island of unfit toys.

This should make me ecstatic, yet I greet this news with pure rebellion.

I’ve changed my light bulbs, my toilet and my detergent – happily. But I’m drawing the line at replacing some of my vibrators.

I can imagine the legions of vegans who will read this as a battle cry. They’ll scoop up their faux fur handcuffs and come after me brandishing 100% hemp floggers and whips made from recycled rubber inner tubes.

Does this make me shake in my 5”-stilletto thigh-high pleather boots? No. (But it does provide fodder for a potential future fantasy. Hmmm…)

I completely understand choosing organic products when it comes to lubes and massage oils. Anything that reduces the possibility of yeast infections has got to be good. And I get that, for some women, a penis is the only animal product that has an admission ticket to their vagina.

But do I really want to replace my secret stash of all-stars with vibrators that carry the Green Seal of Approval? Um … NO!

Finding the right vibrators doesn’t happen overnight. Over the years, I have spent more time and money than I can count, searching for models that guarantee my Goldilocks moment: “Ooh, this feels just right.” Vibrators aren’t Swiss-Army knives that come equipped with pullout devices for every occasion. Situations change, moods fluctuate, privacy issues come up, and let’s face facts: A woman’s erogenous zone plays favorites, bores easily, and comes equipped with a mind of its own. I sometimes picture my sweet spot retreating into her Juicy Couture pink hoodie and whining, “Oh, No. The Super 9000 again! Been there.  Done That.”

After much trial and error, I now have a trusted array of toys. My line-up includes a powerful travel slim-line, Jimmyjane’s Form 6 for my adult swims, my beloved Wahl 7-in-1 personal massager, and the Eroscillator, the one vibe I’d rescue if my house goes up in flames. I thought my search was over, but now I discover that I need to worry if all of my vibes are certified as Energy Star appliances.

I have complete confidence in my power tools, and to start the process all over again is more than a little dispiriting. After all,I already own several pleasure wands that are certifiably green.  My pocket vibes contain only rechargeable batteries, and I am now the proud owner of the Mia, an ingenious Lelo vibe that I can charge in my computer’s USB port. Moreover, my gorgeous Jimmyjane is safe for the two most important heavenly planets–the earth and my body.

But enough is enough. Sure, a wind-powered vibe is pollution-free, but will its transmission grid carry the same mega-watt power that I require? Brain research is beginning to show that anticipation of food can affect how it tastes, and the same is true for my sex life. I have a variety of erotic appetites, and I love knowing that I have just the right device to quench my varied thirsts.

There’s no way around it: imposing a social consciousness on my libido is an unwelcome burden. I’ve been through the wide-eyed phase of a neophyte’s curiosity. Now I find solace in knowing exactly what I want and how to get.  I’m also no longer enthralled with a random theory of events, and I take issue with Wundt’s findings that an intermediate level of arousal is the most pleasurable. Trust me Dr. Wundt, my g-spot bears no resemblance to your inverted U-shaped curve—it demands the kind of power that only my plug-in models can provide. As a result, I look for the same quality in my vibe energy source as I do in my martinis—a little dirty. Turning off the lights in my home to save the planet is doable; giving up my Acuvibe is not.

My refusal to totally embrace products approved by Mother Earth also says as much about my sexual personae as it does about the state of my bank account.  I enjoy the thrill of being naughty and savor the power that bad girls attract.  How can I concentrate of making mischief if I’m too busy checking on the status of my solar-powered vibe? So what if my pitcher of sun tea and my vibe use the same clean energy source? When it comes to sex, I’m seeking vixen not virtue.

Then there is the question of lingerie. Despite the promise of eco-kinky chic, I have yet to find sexy garb that lives up to its name. If you don’t believe me, spend some time browsing through sustainable clothing catalogues. Promoting the advantages of planet-friendly fibers, they feature “spicy gear” such as 100%  hemp halters. These styles may be a turn-on for Woody Harrelson, but not for me, unless of course I’m in a cult-girl goes crazy kind of mood.  It can happen, but it pretty much peaked for me when People magazine featured the children of Waco on its cover.

If all this makes me an environmental outlaw, so be it.  I’ll bend over and take whatever punishment your sustainable, fair-trade wooden paddle has to offer. When it comes to my sex life, I’m not always after the green.  I want hot, red-hot.

      Lube Analyst
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